♦ ♦ ♦
thinking of you (cover by me)
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Desert as far as the eye can see. The sun is at the top of the sky. I’m not tired or thirsty, yet I have walked for miles and the sand is burning beneath my feet. I have kept my eyes on the horizon for several hours and it has been exactly the same, until now.
The sky seems to be turning into different colours.
The colours are getting closer and closer the further the horizon I get.
This is not a mirage or illusion. The sky is really shifting in different colours like an aurora borealis that extends miles and miles over the sand dunes. The closer I get the more clearly I seem to be hearing laughter, music, and whales singing.
I just have to run, because even if this is just pure imagination, I can’t help but to find this more and more interesting and exciting. I need to know if it really is for real.
I can’t feel my feet anymore. The scorching sand against my bare skin is like boiling lava, but I want to know what’s over there.
Everything gets white.
……
I’m conscious again, but my eyelids are closed.
I feel the breeze against my eyelashes, I feel the sand with my finger tips - the sand is like cotton.
Am I finally there? I must’ve passed out or fainted. I don’t even remember being tired, but now I feel exhausted.
I lie on the top of a sand dune. I open my eyes and face the sky.
Millions of stars moving across the sky as if they were waltzing through the night among northern lights and rainbows. I’m just speechless.. wow.. But this is not the most amazing thing about this place, no.
When I get up I finally see everything. I see the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. People, hundreds of them, laughing, singing, dancing. I have never seen people so happy before. They’re all surrounded by a wall of water.
Water crystal clear as The Pacific ocean. Waves strikes and forms a ceiling. Whales swim amongst colorfull stars and northern lights..
I turned my gaze away, and for a second there he was. Then suddenly he dissapeared. I know him since before.
I run after, looking for him.
At this moment I don’t care about all the beauty around me that I really want to see more of, but I just feel like I have to see him again.
I run into people, struggling to find a way out of the crowd.
After a couple of minutes I finally reach the water wall on the other side.
There he is.
He walks up to me. And he’s just about to kiss me.
Then I wake up.
via: my journal /my favourite dream
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We often talked about how the stars applied to us. You told me how you could just sit on your bed and stare out the window every night. You said the stars always lead you to thinking of me. And even though we never really had night at the same time you still thought “maybe she’s looking at them too”…
I did, as often as I could, when the clouds stayed away. I always looked at the stars and I always thought of you.
One night when I was out walking I stopped to look up at the sky. And as I did I noticed that out of a billion stars up there, only one was shining. It was centered in the middle of the sky, right above me. It shone so bright… It made me think of you.
And it did apply to us. So far away that I couldn’t touch you. But you were always there and I was always able to see you…
Out of a billion people in this world, I found you. This one star..
Can we look at the night sky again without being reminded of each other now?
I did, as often as I could, when the clouds stayed away. I always looked at the stars and I always thought of you.
One night when I was out walking I stopped to look up at the sky. And as I did I noticed that out of a billion stars up there, only one was shining. It was centered in the middle of the sky, right above me. It shone so bright… It made me think of you.
And it did apply to us. So far away that I couldn’t touch you. But you were always there and I was always able to see you…
Out of a billion people in this world, I found you. This one star..
Can we look at the night sky again without being reminded of each other now?
via: my journal
♦ ♦ ♦ cat becca guarapuava
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I'm sorry I haven't been posting anything lately.. It's just that recently a lot of things has happened and it has been setting me off completely. I don't know where my mind is at anymore. I feel like I'm constantly changing.
My grandfather passed away a couple of days ago, and now all they're talking about is his funeral that will be in a few weeks from now. We all knew it eventually would happen, and he'd been struggling with a lot of pain for almost 13 years of several waves of strokes, cerebral hemorage, comas and paralysis. He'd been such a strong person and it's shocking when I think about how long it really had been since he first got sick. His time was clearly to come, but just the fact that I never told him about how much I really loved him makes me almost wanna die too. I feel like I don't show love as much as I really should to the ones I really love the most. But I find it really hard.. I just wish I could start showing my family how much they mean to me.
My grandfather passed away a couple of days ago, and now all they're talking about is his funeral that will be in a few weeks from now. We all knew it eventually would happen, and he'd been struggling with a lot of pain for almost 13 years of several waves of strokes, cerebral hemorage, comas and paralysis. He'd been such a strong person and it's shocking when I think about how long it really had been since he first got sick. His time was clearly to come, but just the fact that I never told him about how much I really loved him makes me almost wanna die too. I feel like I don't show love as much as I really should to the ones I really love the most. But I find it really hard.. I just wish I could start showing my family how much they mean to me.
That's one of the things that has been in my head lately.
And then I was so stupid one night. I was staying over at my friend's place and it was very late and she was tired so she fell asleep, but I couldn't. So I went through all her movies to see if there were any good ones that I hadn't yet seen. My eyes fell on this movie called "Dear John" and I remembered one of my last days in Indonesia when I was walking along the coast by myself and found this movie and I thought it was worth the money, so I bought it, but for some reason never watched it after I got home. Then now one year later I watched it in my friend's room while she was asleep. And I can swear I've never cried as much as I did that night. I believe I must've cried for almost 5 hours, and continued crying after I got home.
Basically everyone I know that has been watching it has told me about how good it was and how it made them cry as well etc. But I felt some really weird feelings while I watched it. I could relate to most of the things that accured in the story. It was as though someone had been reading my journal for the last couple or years and just dramatised it a bit and made it into a movie. I felt like I was experiencing everything over again. The spontanous meeting, the surf, the love letters, the parting, the missing, the secentences they were speaking and a lot more. And what happened between me and Dane was one of the hardest things that had ever happened to me. But in the end of the movie they finally got back together again a few years later. And I started to feel hope and dissapointment at the same time. I wished that we could end up just like that as well, but at the same time I feel like he's going to change and not want me when I'm finally going to Sidney to work. I don't know what I felt really, but it doesn't matter now. There's nothing I can do as long as she's there and as long as she looks excatly like me and still is able to replace me...
oh however... That movie sort of changed a lot for me. I was actually even stupid enough to get a hold of the book so that I could read it. And I'm currently inside it, experiencing everything again. What a torture.. I don't even know if there's anything good about it.
And then I was so stupid one night. I was staying over at my friend's place and it was very late and she was tired so she fell asleep, but I couldn't. So I went through all her movies to see if there were any good ones that I hadn't yet seen. My eyes fell on this movie called "Dear John" and I remembered one of my last days in Indonesia when I was walking along the coast by myself and found this movie and I thought it was worth the money, so I bought it, but for some reason never watched it after I got home. Then now one year later I watched it in my friend's room while she was asleep. And I can swear I've never cried as much as I did that night. I believe I must've cried for almost 5 hours, and continued crying after I got home.
Basically everyone I know that has been watching it has told me about how good it was and how it made them cry as well etc. But I felt some really weird feelings while I watched it. I could relate to most of the things that accured in the story. It was as though someone had been reading my journal for the last couple or years and just dramatised it a bit and made it into a movie. I felt like I was experiencing everything over again. The spontanous meeting, the surf, the love letters, the parting, the missing, the secentences they were speaking and a lot more. And what happened between me and Dane was one of the hardest things that had ever happened to me. But in the end of the movie they finally got back together again a few years later. And I started to feel hope and dissapointment at the same time. I wished that we could end up just like that as well, but at the same time I feel like he's going to change and not want me when I'm finally going to Sidney to work. I don't know what I felt really, but it doesn't matter now. There's nothing I can do as long as she's there and as long as she looks excatly like me and still is able to replace me...
oh however... That movie sort of changed a lot for me. I was actually even stupid enough to get a hold of the book so that I could read it. And I'm currently inside it, experiencing everything again. What a torture.. I don't even know if there's anything good about it.
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And yes for those wondering why I'm writing in English all of a sudden is because I've noticed a lot of friends abroad has found their way here. I wouldn't want them to use google translator or anything like that, and I also feel a lot more comfortable writing in English. Let me know if you don't like it and prefer it to be in Swedish instead.
♦ ♦ ♦
me
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Jag är inte lycklig.
Folk ser mig le och hör mig prata om livet. Det är nästan så jag lurar mig själv om vad jag egentligen känner.
Men jag är inte lycklig. Hur mycket jag än försöker.
Jag försöker intala mig själv om att meningen med livet inte är kärlek, och att det på något sätt ska få mig att må bättre.
Att jag någon dag ska finna något bättre.
Men när jag tänker på det; Jag kan inte leva utan den; Kärleken.
Jag behöver den.
Men det finns bara en. Jag hade den. Men jag förlorade den.
Det tog mig så otroligt lång tid att kunna le igen utan att jag kände att jag svek mig själv.
Jag lovade både honom och mig själv att jag aldrig skulle ge upp och att jag aldrig skulle glömma.
Trots distansen var han den som målade mitt leende varje dag under ett års tid. Mitt leende tillhörde honom och han berättade för mig hur mycket han älskade det, säkert en miljon gånger.
Och jag kände att; utan honom skulle mitt leende suddas ut.
Dagen kom. Det oväntade kom. Dagen då ett brev som förväntades vara 300 rader långt byttes ut mot 4 rader. Där han skrev att han hade träffat någon annan.
Meningen "You're worth every second of the wait" var klart och tydligt en lögn... Men jag trodde på den, och jag levde med den.
Tänker han fortfarande på mig? Saknar han mig någonsin? På andra sidan jorden...
Vad påminner honom om mig? Inte ens stjärnhimlen är densamma på södra jordklotet. Ändå förde natten och stjärnorna oss samman varje natt då vi saknade varandra så mycket att vi inte kunde sova, och allt vi gjorde var att stirra upp i rymden.
Jag kan inte sova inatt.
1a mars. Det här är första gången jag gråter på 2 veckor.
Mina ögon är så tårfyllda att jag inte ens ser vad jag skriver. 2 veckors tårar landar på det här pappret.
Jag brukade gråta varje natt. Nu kom allt på en och samma gång.
Pappret är så fuktigt att jag måste vända blad.
Jag skäms inte över att jag gråter.
Man kan tycka att jag borde låta honom gå, men sanningen är att bara jag vet vad vi hade.
Folk ser mig le och hör mig prata om livet. Det är nästan så jag lurar mig själv om vad jag egentligen känner.
Men jag är inte lycklig. Hur mycket jag än försöker.
Jag försöker intala mig själv om att meningen med livet inte är kärlek, och att det på något sätt ska få mig att må bättre.
Att jag någon dag ska finna något bättre.
Men när jag tänker på det; Jag kan inte leva utan den; Kärleken.
Jag behöver den.
Men det finns bara en. Jag hade den. Men jag förlorade den.
Det tog mig så otroligt lång tid att kunna le igen utan att jag kände att jag svek mig själv.
Jag lovade både honom och mig själv att jag aldrig skulle ge upp och att jag aldrig skulle glömma.
Trots distansen var han den som målade mitt leende varje dag under ett års tid. Mitt leende tillhörde honom och han berättade för mig hur mycket han älskade det, säkert en miljon gånger.
Och jag kände att; utan honom skulle mitt leende suddas ut.
Dagen kom. Det oväntade kom. Dagen då ett brev som förväntades vara 300 rader långt byttes ut mot 4 rader. Där han skrev att han hade träffat någon annan.
Meningen "You're worth every second of the wait" var klart och tydligt en lögn... Men jag trodde på den, och jag levde med den.
Tänker han fortfarande på mig? Saknar han mig någonsin? På andra sidan jorden...
Vad påminner honom om mig? Inte ens stjärnhimlen är densamma på södra jordklotet. Ändå förde natten och stjärnorna oss samman varje natt då vi saknade varandra så mycket att vi inte kunde sova, och allt vi gjorde var att stirra upp i rymden.
Jag kan inte sova inatt.
1a mars. Det här är första gången jag gråter på 2 veckor.
Mina ögon är så tårfyllda att jag inte ens ser vad jag skriver. 2 veckors tårar landar på det här pappret.
Jag brukade gråta varje natt. Nu kom allt på en och samma gång.
Pappret är så fuktigt att jag måste vända blad.
Jag skäms inte över att jag gråter.
Man kan tycka att jag borde låta honom gå, men sanningen är att bara jag vet vad vi hade.
Det jobbigaste är dock; att varje gång jag tänker på honom så får jag för mig att han någon dag kommer att komma tillbaka till mig.
Vi pratade om hur vi trodde att natten vi först sågs var menade för våra liv; om vi aldrig hade setts där så hade vi definitivt setts någon annanstans. Om inte just då, så kanske om 10 år.
Han må vara min absoluta motsats. Vi tycker olika om olika saker, och vi lever på helt olika sätt, men natten vi först kysste varandra och han höll upp mig i vattnet kände vi båda en så djupgående känsla som aldrig känts mer riktig och rätt än någonting.
Jag tänkte säga det, men han hann före; "It feels like I've known you for all my life".
Vi hade alltid funnits där hos varandra. I våra drömmar. Som om vi visste exakt vilka vi var från första gången vi sågs.
Första gången jag såg honom stannade hela världen upp. Det var som om vi varit iväg från varandra i en evighet och tillslut var saknaden över. Som om jag varit kär i honom i hela mitt liv och äntligen var han där.
Jag saknar honom så.. Ännu en gång.
Och hur jag än vrider och vänder på allt som har hänt och försöker se det från olika perspektiv känner jag fortfarande att chansen fortfarande finns kvar, för ett senare tillfälle i våra liv, när vi inte längre lever på olika sidor av planeten.
Vi pratade om hur vi trodde att natten vi först sågs var menade för våra liv; om vi aldrig hade setts där så hade vi definitivt setts någon annanstans. Om inte just då, så kanske om 10 år.
Han må vara min absoluta motsats. Vi tycker olika om olika saker, och vi lever på helt olika sätt, men natten vi först kysste varandra och han höll upp mig i vattnet kände vi båda en så djupgående känsla som aldrig känts mer riktig och rätt än någonting.
Jag tänkte säga det, men han hann före; "It feels like I've known you for all my life".
Vi hade alltid funnits där hos varandra. I våra drömmar. Som om vi visste exakt vilka vi var från första gången vi sågs.
Första gången jag såg honom stannade hela världen upp. Det var som om vi varit iväg från varandra i en evighet och tillslut var saknaden över. Som om jag varit kär i honom i hela mitt liv och äntligen var han där.
Jag saknar honom så.. Ännu en gång.
Och hur jag än vrider och vänder på allt som har hänt och försöker se det från olika perspektiv känner jag fortfarande att chansen fortfarande finns kvar, för ett senare tillfälle i våra liv, när vi inte längre lever på olika sidor av planeten.
I'm learning the Arabic language
Arabic is one of the oldest languages in the world, which I think makes it really interresting. Some parts are really hard to get though.
I wanted to learn Hawaiian at first, but it seems as though Arabic would be a lot more usefull :)
"Peace be upon him"The truth is I still care and always will
I'm not the type of girl to let people walk out of my life and pretend that they don't matter anymore. I may not like that person anymore or talk to him or her but, I still care. I'm always going to think back to my life and say I wondered what happened to so and so.
I hope they're all right. I will actually mean it.
That is the type of person I am. Once you're in my heart, you're there forever.
I hope they're all right. I will actually mean it.
That is the type of person I am. Once you're in my heart, you're there forever.
via: neil krug / no one
If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace
via: tumblr
via: tumblr
Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you
may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt.
So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the
initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of
security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one
peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit
within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is
his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new
experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing
horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.
If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous
security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy.
But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning
and its incredible beauty.
Don't settle down and sit in one place. Move around, be nomadic, make each day a new horizon.
You are still going to live a long time, and it would be a shame if you did not take the opportunity
to revolutionize your life and move into an entirely new realm of experience.
You are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships.
It's placed all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience.
We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living.
My point is that you do not need me or anyone else around to bring this new kind of light in your life.
It is simply waiting out there for you to grasp it, and all you have to do is reach for it.
The only person you are fighting is yourself and your stubbornness to engage in new circumstances.
- Chris McCandless
The ocean makes life on Earth possible, and it needs our help. Most people don't realise the long list of benefits the ocean provides us, nor how much we are connected and dependent on it.
Just to name a few things;
Art of happiness
I happened to lose myself somewhere during the fall. Winter has been feeling really depressing and the sun's been spending so many hours behind the clouds that every day has felt like night.
And I've spent so many days indoors. Crying. Thinking. Changing. And now finally stopped crying because I'm ready to move on.
Since me and my heart got brutally dashed by hurting lies that once seemed to be true, I have grown stronger.
I'm done with the re-bound and I'm done with revenge. Australia is a distant memory and now I'm just waiting for someone to say
"Good Job, Jess!". I'm actually kind of proud of myself for doing it so well. So yeh, I've learned by a lot of mistakes this winter and I kind of deserve happy now.
So I'm trying to feel that warm inside again, as I did about a year ago. It's pretty similar to what you could feel if you stretched out your arm in the sun and touched the warmth of the sunlight with your fingertips while the rest of your body stood in the shade. Instant goose bumps and shivers, and they lasted, because everything I used to do felt wonderful and I was happy.
Everything was beautiful. It has to come back.
I'm done with the re-bound and I'm done with revenge. Australia is a distant memory and now I'm just waiting for someone to say
"Good Job, Jess!". I'm actually kind of proud of myself for doing it so well. So yeh, I've learned by a lot of mistakes this winter and I kind of deserve happy now.
So I'm trying to feel that warm inside again, as I did about a year ago. It's pretty similar to what you could feel if you stretched out your arm in the sun and touched the warmth of the sunlight with your fingertips while the rest of your body stood in the shade. Instant goose bumps and shivers, and they lasted, because everything I used to do felt wonderful and I was happy.
Everything was beautiful. It has to come back.
The Dalai Lama gave me some good advices and tips.
I will, during one week, accept other people regardless of how they look or how they behave. I won't judge anyone, say anything mean or say anything behind someone's back. I won't hurt and won't make anyone sad.
If I see someone who I usually would laugh at, then I'll keep it to myself instead. Because why even bother, really? What's in it for me, other than appearing as even more stupid? I reckon it's important to let go of what's on the surface. Stop caring about how others look, or how other people choose to be. It's not really important (unless it was about a fur coat or something sick like that).
So one week. And I will of course try to develop this thought into a habit and hopefully stick to the concept next week as well, and the week after that and so on.. It'll hopefully make me a happier person and hopefully make me feel better.
Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for
Truth is, jag är bäst i hela världen på att välja livskamrater.
min tatuering, via: flickr
